Cullen Crazy or something
by piratechiara
Summary: 9 years after BD. The Cullens going about life in a strange way. Emmett loses an arm, makes out with Charlie, who they went to visit. Truth or dare, spin the bottle, prank wars, and squirt guns. What could possibly go wrong?
1. Pole dancing and wolfvamp liplock

**this may become a one-shot, but i do have ideas for the future... REVIEW and tell me if its good, and if you dont have anything good to say, then dont review at all. there is a very big difference between 'constructive critisism' and 'MEAN PEOPLE' now *smiles sweetly* please read and review...**

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Jasper POV

It was a normal night in the Cullen house. Actually, there is no such thing as normal in our house. It's not possible to be normal when you live with a family of vampires. One of them being Emmett. Since Bella joined us 9 years ago, she has taken on an Emmett-like personality. She and him are like brother and sister, pranking everyone. And Nessie is kind of like Bella was as a human. She is always blushing, she's shy, she is only part vampire, so she is a little bit clumsy.

It was a little bit less normal in the Cullen household, as no night is when we play truth or dare. It was my turn to pick someone, I was just dared to eat a hot dog, by Bella. I said only one word. "Emmett."

"DARE!" of course you pick dare, Emmett. He has never picked truth. Ever. I had to think about this one. I needed to dare him to do something that he wouldn't want to do if it wasn't a dare. Alice mouthed something to me. 'Make out'

"Emmett, I dare you to make out with multiple people of my choosing." I had them already planned out in my head. First Edward, then Bella, Mike Newton, Carlisle, Charlie, Jacob and Nessie. Edward growled. Alice laughed. I grinned at her.

"Bring it on." Emmett whispered in one of those creepy voices that you would expect a perverted, old, balding man to have.

"Edward is first." I said in an equally creepy voice. Poor Edward. Bella covered Nessie's eyes. She pushed them away, laughing. Edward made a face, which I knew from his emotions, was disgust. Emmett grinned, I don't know why. Emmett and Edward both went to the middle of the circle. They both leaned in, Edward reluctantly. Their lips met, and I sent them a wave of lust.

They proceeded to have a 4 minute long make out session before I gave them their real emotions. Edward jumped backwards out of Emmett's lap. Nessie and Alice were rolling on the floor laughing hysterically. Esme and Carlisle were chuckling, Rosalie and Bella ran to the bathroom to get wet wipes, soap, and hand sanitizer.

"Bella next." I said trying not to laugh at Edward's infuriated expression and feelings. Emmett smiled and winked at Bella. Edward snarled. I did the same thing, this one lasted 5 minutes. When I gave them their emotions back, they kept going till 6 minutes. Edward was pretty mad.

The same thing happened with the rest, some of them freaked out, like Charlie and Mike. Jacob was pissed at me for making him feel strong love towards Emmett. After his turn, Rosalie flipped, got all the cleaning supplies in the house and unleashed them on Emmett' face and/or body.

Emmett had to choose someone. He choose Edward. Not really a surprise, Edward had seemed really into their 'session.' Emmett was dying to embarrass him. "Truth or dare." Emmett said while making gagging noises, still going from his 'session' with Jacob.

"Truth." He answered simply. Emmett looked disappointed.

"Awww!" Emmett whined. "You always pick truth. You're no fun." He sounded hysterical. Possibly insane. Or both.

"Fine, you idiot." He surrendered. "And I _have _picked dare before. In 1967, march 23, you dared me to go to a disco club and pole dance." Alice and Rosalie proceeded to fall onto their backs and have an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

"I…remember…that…so funny…" Rosalie tried to say in between laughing spasms. Emmett had wished that he were able to video tape it. It _was _insanely funny.

"Where did Edward learn how to pole dance? What was he wearing? Did he take off his shirt?" Of course Bella would want to know if his shirt came off.

Alice had finished laughing, but was still smiling. "Nobody knows why Edward can pole dance. He looked like he was enjoying himself."

"He was! I felt it!" I interrupted. Alice silenced me with a death glare, then smiled innocently at me. I love when she smiles at me.

"He was wearing a pink tuxedo, with a baby blue tie and his boxers. It was part of his dare. And his shirt and tux came off. Some girl, and a guy, actually climbed on stage and ripped them off. That revealed very realistic looking nipple rings." She answered Bella's questions without pausing to take a breath.

By now the whole family was chuckling, more of a laugh, but not quite as loud. Bella looked shocked, and scared. And then she was rolling on the floor too. "Back to my dare." Edward said harshly while glaring holes in my wife's head. Emmett was going to make this good, and he had to block his thoughts. The seconds ticked by as Emmett thought, and suddenly his emotions turned devilish and evil. Well they already were, but they became even more evil and devilish then befo - never mind. Edward raised his eyebrow at my thoughts.

"Stupid mind reader." I muttered under my breath. Edward growled, and Bella came over and flicked my nose. To me it was soft, but it would have shattered a human's entire skull.

"Edward," Emmett continued. "I dare you to…"


	2. Phone calls and confessions

**This is chapter 2... hope its better than the first one.i know its short, but i only want to do one dare or truth or dare per chapter. I am putting a poll on my profile, its to see what Twilight Chatacter you like the best. please vote. and id like you guys to review, i need to know if its good.**

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_By now the whole family was chuckling, more of a laugh, but not quite as loud. Bella looked shocked, and scared. And then she was rolling on the floor too. "Back to my dare." Edward said harshly while glaring holes in my wife's head. Emmett was going to make this good, and he had to block his thoughts. The seconds ticked by as Emmett thought, and suddenly his emotions turned devilish and evil. Well they already were, but they became even more evil and devilish then befo - never mind. Edward raised his eyebrow at my thoughts._

"_Stupid mind reader." I muttered under my breath. Edward growled, and Bella came over and flicked my nose. To me it was soft, but it would have shattered a human's entire skull._

"_Edward," Emmett continued. "I dare you to…"_

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Edward POV

Emmett paused for dramatic effect. He was blocking his thoughts, so it has to be ridiculously stupid or painful. "I dare you to call Charlie and tell him that you used to spend every night in Bella's room while she was still human"

"ARE YOU FREAKNG KIDDING ME?" I shouted, what if Charlie asked how I got in the house, and in Bella's room for that matter. How am I going to explain that? Think logically Edward. I thought to myself.

"For your information, Eddie," I growled at his childish nickname. It made me sound immature. "I do not 'kid.' So yes I expect you to do the dare." He finished his sentence with a huff.

_Edward, _Alice directed her thoughts to me. _Charlie will get angry, but think that it is a joke. He is going to call Carlisle and ask if it is true. Carlisle and Esme won't be home for 4 more hours, you have to pretend to be him on the phone._

Carlisle and Seem had gone hunting when Emmett was about to give his dare. When we asked why, they responded with

Okay. I ran to the table and got the phone. I dialed Charlie's Number on the way back to our circle. I sat down Indian style. The phone rang 6 times before Charlie answered the phone. I put it on speaker

"_Hello?" _Charlie said into the phone.

"Hello, Chief Swan." I greeted "This is Edward Cullen." I addressed myself politely.

"_Hello, Edward. Is there something you needed?" _Charlie questioned.

"Yes, I have a confession, Chief Swan." I said in an 'ashamed' voice.

"_Confession? Edward, this confession, have you done something illegal?" _Not technically.

"No, it isn't illegal. It is sort of about our personal lives." Sort of? What the hell was I thinking? Damn it.

"_Edward, can you hurry this up. I am at work." _Charlie explained. Well I better do this fast.

"I'm sorry sir, but I just felt so guilty. You see, Bella and I are very much in love. We never wanted to be apart. In order to be with her at all times I would sneak into her room and spend the night every night. She was aware of it, and she and I would talk until she got too tired." I made my tone apologetic.

On the other line it was silent._ "EDWARD CULLEN, IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?" _Charlie sounded beyond angry.

"Sir, I know you are angry-" I started to explain.

"_ANGRY?! No, I'm not angry. I'M FURIOUS!" _Charlie interrupted angrily. Ohhh Crap.

"Sir, Carlisle approved of it. In fact, he was the one to suggest it." I used Carlisle's name in order to make sure that Charlie called back.

Charlie hung up. Everyone was now in hysterics at my confession. Emmett was pounding his fist against the tile, cracking it. The phone Carlisle's cell phone rang. The house was silent as I picked up the phone again.

"Hello, this is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. How may I help you today?" I imitated Carlisle's voice perfectly.

"_Hello, Carlisle. This is Charlie Swan. I just have a quick question concerning your son, Edward."_

_Too bad he doesn't know that he has a question concerning 'Carlisle.'_ Emmett's voice boomed in my head, followed by his mental laughter.

"Yes. Edward told me what you wanted to know. And yes I did approve of what he did, and I told him that if he was so lonely without her that he should stay with her at night. I find it perfectly normal." Once again my voice sounded flawlessly like Carlisle's.

"_Carlisle, I'm not happy about this. I understand that you want your son to be happy." _

"I'm glad you understand. Good night Charlie." Charlie hung up.

I breathed a sigh of relief. I was glad that was over. Emmett's laughter shook the house. Bella looked shocked, she was.

It was my turn.

"Alice," I said thoughtfully. "Truth or dare?"

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**HURRY AND REVIEW, and ill give you one excited shirtless Emmett Cullen holding**** a plate of chocolate covered strawberries for you!! (NOT REALLY BUT YOU CAN IMAGINE IT)**


	3. Nude scandal and Gayward

**YAY! Chap 3! this is my fave so far. tell me what u think. im not getting much motivation... is it not good? By the way the Cullens are at their old house visiting Charlie. should i have Charlie find out, or have him die...**

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_I breathed a sigh of relief. I was glad that was over. Emmett's laughter shook the house. Bella looked shocked, she was._

_It was my turn._

"_Alice," I said thoughtfully. "Truth or dare?"_

Alice POV

I looked into the future to see which would be worse. Nothing. He hadn't decided.

"Truth." I whispered. If I picked dare, they would probably dare me to burn all my clothes. Or give them to a hobo. Again.

"Good choice." Edward said evilly. I grimaced. "Alice? Have you ever pictured Me, Emmett, or Carlisle naked? And I'll know if you are lying." He murmured the last bit. Evil. I HATE YOU, EDWARD!

I hope he heard that. He glared at me. Good. He did.

I hesitated. Better answer truthfully.

"When I first saw Carlisle in my vision, I thought he was hot, that's as close as I've gotten for him. When I saw Emmett with his shirt off the first time we had a squirt gun fight, I pictured him without clothes. And the first time I looked at Edward in real life I…Never mind." Edward smirked. Ass.

Edward snarled. Humph. He heard me again. Good for him.

"What about me?" Jasper asked sadly. What the hell?

"Jasper, I've _seen_ you naked." I saw Edward shudder at my memories.

Understanding dawned on Jasper's face. "Ohhh. Right." He muttered, embarrassed. I nodded and smiled at him. I raised my eyebrow at Edward.

"No one said you had to read my mind." I giggled. He frowned.

"It's not something I can control." He said harshly. Reallyyyyy…

"Thoughts can't be controlled either." I said grinning.

Bella was the first to respond. "OOOOH! Edward just got BURNED!" She yelled, her eyes grinning. I grinned back, erupting into a fit of laughter.

"What EV's." Emmett said in a very girly voice. Wow, hi actually did a good job. There are so many things not right about him. He worries me. A lot.

"Em, that was NOT right." Rosalie said in a disgusted voice. She looked mad. Well I'd be mad too if my muscular, hot, 'manly' husband juts spoke in a feminine voice.

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**4 HOURS LATER…**

Emmett POV

"Where Home!" Esme called from the entryway. YES!!!

"MOMMY!! DADDY!!" I yelled in attempt to get their ! The word attention has the word 'tent' in it. That's so kewl.

Carlisle walked into the living room. "Yes, Emmett?" he asked. He almost sounded curious. He sat on the couch, with his arm wrapped around Esme's waist.

I jumped onto his lap and curled up in a ball. "Awwww. That's so sweet Emmett." Esme murmured while rubbing my back gently.

Weird…

"Daddy?" I whispered. I made my 'Puppy Dog Face'

Carlisle's expression was now worried. Muhahaha! Edward heard my internal laugh and looked at me like an idiot. Oh. Wait. That's just how his face looks. Never mind

Edward was mad at what I was thinking. What ev! He cocked his eyebrow at me.

"Yes, Emmett?" he said now exasperated.

"Daddy, why don't you have a British accent? If you _are _from England like you said… then you would be all 'Ello! Would you like some tea? Pip-pip cheerio!' I sounded accusing.

"uh-uhh-h…" Carlisle stuttered. AH-HA! I've caught him in his lie!

"No you didn't." Edward responded to my thoughts. . "Carlisle was just offended by your recreation of his hometowns choice of words. Which was very inaccurate, by the way." he finished his rant by crossing his arms and smirking evilly. Kiss up.

Carlisle spoke up then. "Emmett, I do not have a British accent because the changing process in which you become a vampire undoes any accent you may have. Esme was from Tennessee, she lost her accent. And hers was very thick and strong." His voice was slightly offended.

"AWWW! Daddy! I'm sorry I judged you! Pweazze fowgive meh? I said while doing my version of Alice's 'puppy dog face.'

"It's okay, Emmett. I'm not angry at you." My Daddahkinz said. KEWL! OMG! DADDAHKINZ! That is some awesome shit. I ROK! Yaaaaa. I am so hot.

Edward winked at me and smiled suggestively. *shudders*

"Thanks Daddahkinz! Bye everyone, I'm going to egg Mike Newton's house." Bella, Alice and Edward jumped up.

"I'm Coming too, Em. Mike was such a pain." YAY!! Bella is coming too. THIS IS GONNA BE SO AWSHUM! YA! Edward gave me his classic 'WTF?!' look at my thoughts. He is so immature sometimes. Gawd, he is sooo annoying. His 'look' turned even more 'WTF?!"er.

"Me too. Mike had such horrible clothes. I would have barfed if I could when I saw them." Alice of course wants to get payback at him for having horrible clothes. ISSUES.

"Well if Bella goes I'm going too. And Mike was always thinking inappropriate things about Bella. He was such a bitch." Uhhh. Ok? Freak.

WOOT! WOOT! Eddy Pooh, Jelly Belly, and Tinker Bell (AKA the Evil Pixie) are coming too! This will ROKK! Yeaaaaa!

Once again. 'WTF?!' look was given by none other than Gayward.

"You _bitch!_" Edward screamed in a very shrill, girly voice. "How _dare _you call me 'GAYWARD!'" at this point he was dry sobbing.

He didn't know that I had videotaped the whole thing. YOUTUBE! I also had a tape recorder that I recorded his voice with. RINGTONE! And I took pictures to photoshop as a girl. INTERNET!

Alice started laughing in her bell-like laugh. "Nice, Em. Now let's go egg a bitches house!" ALICE ROCKS. She is my second besides my Rosie… *thinks inappropriate thoughts* *Edward gags*

So off we went. With 12 cartons of rotten eggs and 100 rolls of toilet paper. DUN, DUN, DUN, DUN!

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